This came up in episode 4 of the series where Oprah and Tolle were going through the book A New earth. You can see the episode here:
The question comes up 35 minutes in where a mother of an autistic child asks why so many people like here still feel guilt even though realistically they are doing all that they can.
For example a stay at home mother feels guilty for getting bored playing with her child while a mother who is working feels guilty for not being with her child.
Tolle says this is to do with the structure of the Ego, not the content – but what is the difference between the two?
Finding the Ego
De Mello shows how easy it is to spot the ego by simply asking “Who am I”. Most people will respond by saying something like:
- I am a dentist
- I am a mother
- I am a victim
- I am enlightened
But in reality you are none of those things because all those things are transient. You can (or could) stop being one of them at any moment. They are not the real you but roles which the ego wants you to identify with.
Because “Who am I?” can yield so many different answers this is the content of ego. The fact that most of us answer the question based on our role (e.g. mother) or perceived situation (e.g. victim) is the structure of ego.
The ego structure and suffering
We are generally programmed.to want certain things in life. Material things (the latest car) and identity things (respect of others) – we work hard to achieve them. This is what the Buddha calls ‘a sense of mine’.
Yet when we hit certain milestones it never quite seems enough. Once we have the latest car we tend to want ‘the latest bigger car’ or ‘the latest something else’.
We are also, deep down, nervous of those things being taken away from us.
That is the structure of ego. In the structure it does not matter what those things are, it just matters that there are things. The content of ego are those things.
So a child who cries because his toy is taken away is suffering because of his ‘sense of mine’ – this is the structure. What the toy actually is – a wooden horse or a cell phone – this is the content. The suffering is the same regardless of the content.
The structure of the ego without the content
You can empty out the content of the ego relatively easily – start by dropping any sense of ‘mine’. The harder part is to dismantle the structure because the moment the ego is empty it will try to give itself another identity.
The most popular identity is to say ‘I am enlightened’ which is simply the structure trying to fill itself with a new identity. But as soon as you have this then you also have the fear of losing it – the ‘sense of mine’.
You can never really get rid of the structure of the ego which is why Tolle talks so much about remaining constantly aware and watching for the ego as it will always be trying and get itself some content.
It’s also why an enlightened person won’t suggest that they are enlightened. This is just a label for a type of person and if they were to identify with it they would, by definition, not be!
Ego Structure and wanting change
Most of us have been bought up to want change. Wanting change is the structure of the ego. What change you actually want is the content.
So wanting to get a promotion. The mere fact of wanting is the ego, the fact that it is a job promotion is the content.
Wanting someone else to change (people who think they are enlightened often want others around them to become the same). The wanting is the structure of the ego. The ‘getting other people to change’ is the content.
By making sure people are in a constant state of wanting they are also then in a constant state of unhappiness at some level. They are unhappy with their current situation.
They key is to fully accept your current situation and not tie happiness to some future state. Yes, you can work towards that future state but don’t have a mind set that goes “I will be happy when …..”.
If you find yourself often blaming other people and other things for your current situation (e.g. “I don’t like where I live, if I lived in a different place I would be happy”) its a sure sign that the structure of the ego is in place …. and it has content!