If you have read Tolle or De Mello you will soon realise that I am not about to reveal anything new but perhaps attempt to explain it in a way that is easier to understand and more accessible.
Achieving happiness is surprisingly simple but can be incredibly difficult, it all depends on your starting point which we will find shortly.
But first some ground rules and expectations. It is highly likely that some of what I am about to say will make you angry – angry to the point where you won’t want to go any further.
Anger/upset/frustration is when your belief system clashes with reality.
OK … what the hell does that mean? The first step to achieving happiness is to understand your belief system
The belief system
We are all bought up to believe in certain things. What is ‘bad’, what is ‘good’, what is ‘success’, what is ‘failure’, etc, etc. We tend to think that we have moulded our belief system with our intelligence and experience so that what we believe is valid.
However, in reality, if we start to poke around our belief system and how it came to be we find a surprising amount of it is based on values that we accepted without question – much of this during our childhood when we were easily influenced.
We have then gone on to validate those values through ‘bias confirmation’ – seeking out experiences and people that tell us those values are right while quietly ignoring the experiences and people that conflict with it.
To pull your belief system apart, and to do it genuinely and completely, is one of the hardest steps in the road to happiness because it means being ready to admit:
- I was wrong
- At certain points I was brainwashed
- I have been a fool
- etc.
In other words to admit many assets that society sees as ‘failure’ but be strong enough to say to yourself, “It’s OK, this is only my society’s definition of failure”!
As the old saying goes: “A man who never made a mistake never made anything”.
Identifying your belief system
A belief system is anything that is created by man made constructs or labels:
- Good
- Bad
- Ugly
- Beautiful
- Success
- Failure
The list goes on forever. We can spot things that are part of our belief system if we can see other people/societies disagree with them or if our definition of them changes over time.
We can travel to Asia and find people who are disgusted by Western consumption of beef while we are shocked by some of the things they consume.
Many things that were considered ‘bad’ 100 years ago are not so today. Our definition of human beauty was different in 2010 than as our society defined it in 1710 – just have a look at the paintings of the time in any art gallery and compare them with the ‘super models’ we idolise today.
But these things just are.
A building is a building. If you decide to call that building beautiful this is part of your belief system but the building in itself is not beautiful, it is just a building.
The moment you understand this you have taken a massive step forward. You can still appreciate the building but you recognise it is your appreciation and if others disagree you know that they simply have a different belief system and … so what!
But our belief system runs much deeper than such a simple example. To bring stability to groups of people society has programmed us with belief systems that define good and bad, success and failure, happiness and sadness.
These are much harder to face up to and let go of even though, when we sit down and think about it, we realise so many of these were spoon fed to us in our childhood and we have never properly considered how valid they are.
People get angry fastest when their ‘successes’ are questioned. Let’s try it out:
Your life is in a mess
If I say this to a group of people I’ll usually get the following reactions:
- Wow, how did this guy know, he must be a psychic (I’m not!)
- What do you mean? You don’t even know me! I’ve just been promoted at work, I’ve been married for 20 years, have a family, a detached house and go abroad on holiday at least once a year. Show me what you’ve got that makes my life a mess!
Both show clashes with the belief system. In the first case the person just wants to believe (bias confirmation) and makes me into someone I am not.
In the second case there is anger because what I said clashed with the person’s definition of ‘success’. But if they took it apart they would realise all these yardsticks were given to them by society.
If you are beginning to wonder if this text is about to swerve off into a “go and live in the forest and eat berries and nuts” direction, it isn’t!
But why is owning a detached house a ‘good’ thing? Because society congratulates you on it, tells you what an achievement it is, tells others they should aspire to it. No more than that. In reality your house is just a building.
This is the point where many who say they want to achieve happiness realise they probably don’t. Letting go of the belief system is just too painful. We so desperately want people to tell us how successful we are or how right we are about certain things but in doing so we entrap ourselves into short term bursts of ‘feel good’ surrounded by fear and unhappiness of what might be if we lose them.
Furthermore we have become so ingrained in doing things in order to achieve praise from others that to do something that offers no recognition feels completely alien and uncomfortable.
An old Buddhist scripture says “Those chained by desire, bound by becoming’s allure, aren’t easily released for there’s no liberation by others”.
In other words letting go of your desire for things or for events is twice as hard because you may find no one is going to say “Well done”. In fact you may find exactly the opposite – you are quietly marginalised because people feel they no longer know you or are uncomfortable with your new found inner peace while they continue to flounder for the social acceptance you also once seeked.
If you do meet someone who is truly happy they will not praise you either for reasons which we will come to near the end.
The happiness of things
We are told ‘happiness is …. ‘ and yet when we achieve ‘it’ all we have left after a short thrill is fear that we might lose it. You got that new car because you thought it would make you happy? People praise your car and you feel good but lurking in the background is that fear … what if I crash it / can no longer afford to keep it / people stop admiring it?
If you want to put the theory to the test about how hard society is working to make you believe what happiness is just open a magazine, switch on the TV, tune in a commercial radio station … and seek out the commercials.
Read, watch or listen to them with fresh eyes and you’ll suddenly see how many of them are trying to sell you happiness, not their product.
- There is a person, they have the product, they are happy.
- There is a person, they have the product, other people are admiring them and this makes them happy.
- There is a person, they have the product, other people envy them and this makes them happy.
There is no viable way we could be persuaded to throw away so much stuff in order to buy more stuff unless this process was going on. Society works hard to make sure we believe happiness comes not just in what we own but in that we own the latest version of that thing.
By definition then society is continuously pushing the message that we will be unhappy without that thing or the latest version of that thing.
Strip away what other people might say about you or the advertisers message that the thing brings you happiness and what do you have … just the thing!
Suddenly the thing is not bringing you happiness because no one is praising you for having it and you understand the advertising for what it is – an attempt to manipulate you.
On the other side of the scale there is no fear about losing the thing because it becomes clear that your happiness does not depend on it.
You thought happiness was a short term thrill that you got when you obtained a new thing and others praised you (even if those others were the commercials themselves!). But that thrill came with a fear of loss so how could it be true happiness?
The origin of the happiness of things
Our desire for things, or even the latest things, started at the very earliest age and gives us a clue as to where true happiness actually lies.
A new born baby is happy by default. They become unhappy when they don’t have things they need – food and warmth.
In the first few months of life they are not unhappy because they are wearing a bobble hat that went out of fashion five years ago or because they are told their behaviour is bad.
Programming starts a little later by teaching the baby what is ‘theirs’ and that having that thing makes them happy and not having it makes them unhappy. Parents, like their parents before them, teach the infant the value of things that belong to them.
Later they will teach the child other values via punishing it by withholding the thing and rewarding it by giving back the thing but we will come to that in a while.
A great many people get to this point and think: “OK, I can live without getting attached to things – I can take them or leave them”. But watch out for dressing this up in a different way.
What about “I’m not buying the latest thing because I want to be more environmentally friendly”?
Ah, now we move beyond the material.
Beyond the material
If you have got this far you have overcome immense hurdles and realised that happiness does not lie in things. Instead ownership of things brings short term thrills and a sense of fear at what would happen if you lost those things.
There is absolutely nothing new in this knowledge whatsoever. Over 2,500 years ago the Buddha wrote, “I see them, in the world, floundering around, people immersed in craving for states of becoming … See them, floundering in their sense of mine, like fish in the puddles of a dried-up stream“
Little has changed on over two millennia – so many of us are so focused on getting things (states of becoming) that we will do all sorts of unimaginable acts to get them – lie, work in jobs we hate, harm others and much more.
So now we move to the hardest part of all – connected in some ways to things but not always – the praise of society.
Yes we have been taught that the ownership of physical things can bring praise but what about the non-physical.
Earlier I mentioned the person who did not buy the latest thing because they said they wanted to be more environmentally friendly. They are still looking for praise. Society now says, more than at any time in modern history, being environmentally aware is a good thing so we are actually seeking out praise for not owning a thing!
But ultimately we are seeking out praise because we believe praise makes us happy and criticism makes us sad. We want the approval of others to be ‘mine’.
Let us go back to the root of that. The child who has been taught the ‘sense of mine’ now needs to be moulded to be a ‘success’. At first this is done by taking away the thing that they have been told is theirs until they act in a certain way.
Later acting in a certain way will bring praise and positive attention for the child’s developing ego. They see others receiving praise and attention and they want it to.
What they are praised for, and criticized for, varies from society to society and even group to group within a society. One parent may praise their child for eating all their beef while another will scorn their off spring for wanting such a thing because it requires the killing of an animal.
Pulling apart our belief system at this level is the hardest part. Our ego will fight back every step of the way. Isn’t it easier to slip back to where people patted you on the back than to realise that patting is just an imaginary belief system in action?
Easy yes, but not true happiness because while you seek out praise you also fear criticism. When you achieve praise you fear the day that praise will disappear. You begin to act in a way that protects that praise and sometimes taking part in that pantomime exhausts you.
But lets say we can get to that point where we no longer feel the need for others to praise us and we are no longer bought down by their criticism. Doesn’t this mean we will become lifeless, void of passions and emotions?
Is happiness becoming like a plank of wood?
I’ve heard many versions of the question above – won’t I become like a potato? Doesn’t that mean I will be lifeless?
This is the greatest misunderstanding to the whole process of obtaining happiness. Let’s picture where you are:
- You understand that things bring you short term thrills and a fear that they may be lost … but not true happiness.
- You understand when people praise you or criticize you they are just doing so from their belief system and so it should not make you happy or unhappy.
As the Buddha put it, “live with no mine, not forming attachment for states of becoming”.
In other words stop attaching happiness to making things or people ‘mine’. Do not attach happiness to future events such as a promotion at work or a marriage.
Now you can get on and live a much more productive life, appreciate what is, achieve more, pursue passions … and do it all while being happy.
Sounds simple but you probably see some cracks in the facade!
How can you be happy when there is an injustice?
Dropping your ‘sense of mine’ does not mean doing nothing. Where there is injustice you can pursue justice but even in societies that have processes in place achieving it can take time.
Lets say you are attacked and robbed but the assailant is caught. It may take many weeks for the case to come to court so should you allow that assailant to make you unhappy for all that time. They aren’t worried about your happiness but you have managed to block it. It is you, not them.
In other situations where no justice is likely then, again, do not allow others to block your happiness. Many thousands across the world campaigned for the freedom of Nelson Mandela. Some never lived to see it happen but they campaigned with a passion even so. What was important is that they did not allow a regime on the other side of the world to block their happiness because where would that leave them?
How can you be happy if you are in physical pain?
As with justice the question must always be: is there a remedy? If not then you can chose between a lifetime of unhappiness or one of happiness. The physical pain will be the same but the choice is up to you.
If that is starting to make you feel angry I understand but remember my very early words: you are only angry when your belief system clashes with reality.
What about grieving for the loss of a loved one?
Again, think about it. Who told you that you had to grieve? This is an action defined by society with great criticism and social disapproval if you do not.
But who are you grieving for? Yourself. Getting hot under the collar about that answer? That’s your belief system clashing with reality again.
Think about it. The person has gone – this is the reality. They are no longer ‘yours‘ either wholly or in part. They will no longer be there to add anything to your life so you are upset.
That’s a hard one to get because it goes to the very core of your belief system and the very core of what society expects of you.
Setting yourself free in order to be happy
As I mentioned earlier a new born baby is happy by default. This is actually true of every single one of us, we just find different ways to block it.
Most commonly we block it by having a belief system that tells us happiness can only be achieved through the ownership of things or the acceptance (and being part) of a society.
Once we examine that belief system we see how much of it was built on rocky foundations, how much we took and accepted in an almost brainwashing fashion and the importance of these blocks begin to fall away very quickly.
But still the ego will lurk within us seeking our praise and scorning criticism.
I find one of the easiest ways to control this is to imagine the words someone is saying to you are travelling in your direction as a little ball – a verbal grenade if you like.
Stand back and take a moment to see what the purpose of this ball of words is. Does this person criticize you in a certain way hoping to get a particular reaction? Someone might say “You’re not a real man” in the hope of spurring you into doing something you were reluctant to take part in.
Is this person praising you and if so is it really valid praise for something you really deserve? If they say “You Brits are so great with your patience” does that national characteristic have anything to do with you? Did you make it so?
The moment you start to understand a person for who they are and their words for what they are they cease to control you – both positively and negatively.
They can call you ‘ugly’ but you can see it for what it is, an attempt to create a reaction. You know ‘ugly’ is just a man made concept so how can one person’s use of it make you unhappy?
Praise is harder to capture. Perhaps a person really wants to say something positive about you. OK. Take it but don’t bathe in it. The moment you do you will fear the day that person has nothing positive to say about you!
Like the criticism it is just a man made label – nothing to be particularly happy about and nothing to fear should it disappear.
Self development when you are happy
If you are still here then you understand how to achieve true happiness. It doesn’t mean you are there yet. For some it is easy, for others it is painful, but the results are beyond words.
Some need a little more assistance and for this understanding the Self and I can provide that breakthrough.
Still there does seem to be something not quite right here. Criticism and praise are both mechanisms for self development. If a large number of people say that you lack passion isn’t this something to consider rather than dismiss it and say “Yeah, whatever, but I’m happy”.
Absolutely. Happiness should not be a block for self development and self improvement just as it should not stop you pursuing a subject with true enthusiasm be that to put right an injustice or excel at a sport.
The art is to do so without attaching happiness to it. The moment you say, “I will be happy if …. ” you are lost again.
Consider what others say about you seriously but within a realm I call the theatre of life.
The theatre of life
Achieving happiness is what many refer to as a key part of ‘self-awareness’, ‘waking up’, etc. But wandering around in a state of happiness while others are stuck in belief systems they are not even aware of can be frustrating – for them and you.
For this I have developed the theatre of life concept. When actors step out on stage they know they are about to take part in an illusion. While the audience looks on they may insult each other, praise one another, threaten violence and all sorts of other possibilities. But when the show is over they know it is and they return to their normal selves.
Once you understand and achieve true happiness you see things for what they really are and people for who they really are. You hear what is said from a perspective of observation rather than as things that can feed or hurt your ego. Others don’t have this and you are not going to be able to get them there in five minutes … it has taken me over 3,000 words!
So when you step out into life each day know that you are stepping out into a theatre where the praise and criticism of others can no longer lift you up or bring you down.
You will find that these people then become fascinating characters and you will soon be absorbed by your observation of their words and actions as they attempt to control you in both direct and subtle ways.
Take consistent criticism seriously but don’t react to it in the moment, store it for careful and personal reflection when you have the time to do so properly.
And when the day is done feel that you are stepping off the stage and back to reality. The people that you saw are all stuck in an illusion but that does not mean you can’t take an active part in it … and remain happy!
Where does religion fit into true happiness?
Religion is obviously a belief system and one that does not stand up to being pulled apart very easily due to its lack of concrete proof.
Religion in some ways is the ultimate sense of ‘mine’. In Christianity believers are promised ‘the kingdom of God will be yours’ if you live a certain lifestyle – in this case being poor.
And so followers of Christianity become “immersed in craving for states of becoming” (see earlier for that quote). They will do what they are told because they believe they will be given something later – something will become ‘mine’ – the kingdom of God.
But we know it is just a belief system because the values of Christianity have changed over time leaving ever more factions of the religion. The same is true for Islam.
This does not, however, stop followers of various religions achieving happiness. Anthony de Mello (a Catholic Priest) was perhaps one of the most well known.
But even he went to the very edges of his religion. He understood that God was unknowable and so trying to say “He wants you to be like this and he wants you to be like that” are futile and misleading endeavours. It was perhaps why the Catholic church distanced themselves from his writings after his death.
To me the most interesting believer though is the one who believes happiness is ‘bad’. That we were put in this earth to suffer and/or that persecution of themselves by others is ‘good’.
The very idea of being happy interferes with their ‘sense of mine’ when it comes to getting tickets for the Glory of Heaven.
All that we can offer these people is understanding as a way for them to start untangling their belief system. If we tell them they are not really suffering and explain why then they have a problem. If we reach out to them to discuss instead of persecuting their extreme points of view this undermines their feeling of being persecuted.
It is surprising how many then realise they were brainwashed into a belief system that doesn’t stand up to their own basic scrutiny but that is for another post!